Coercion can be fun!

Mon cappytan: we have ways of getting ppl to do things
photon1701d: like coming to our homes, dressing like women and running around llike nudnicks?
Mon cappytan: yes
Mon cappytan: exactly
photon1701d: lol

[note: that remark did make sense in context]

@#$%&*!

YaVYaSH: why is my comp so g-d-$#%@# slow
Mon cappytan: i dunno, maybe i'd have a better idea if it didn't mess up all of ur IMs
YaVYaSH: ??
Mon cappytan: it changes curse words to symbols
YaVYaSH: lol

Crazy rabbis

Mon cappytan (12:36:26 AM): and the third guy - send him to YU! torah umadda!
YaVYaSH: yeah, that was funny
YaVYaSH: he's an awesome speaker, btw
YaVYaSH: rav salomon
Mon cappytan: he is
Mon cappytan: btw
Mon cappytan: did that seem at all caniballistic when he was referring to the human heart as a little piece of meat? that was a schtickle creepy
YaVYaSH: noooooo
YaVYaSH: not at all
Mon cappytan: maybe he's one of those creatures that sneaks into your home while you sleep and glides through your door and slowly slowly picks up your blanket and takes out a knife and lifts it in the air and OHMYGODLOOKWHATHE'SDOINGTOLITTLETIMMY!!!!!
Mon cappytan: or maybe it was just a figure of speech

I'll give you a for-instance

Ever wonder what the big deal is with having to edit an article or two every week?

I log in to Kol Torah, I know I have to edit Chaim ______'s article. Here's the email:

"Warning: the following dvar torah may need editing in the extreme because Chaim does not grammer well but he tries. "
And then the attachment.

Well, I open it up, and here's the first sentence:
"In parshat Vayishlach we see our fore farther, Yakov, preparing for battle with his brother, Esuv."
Let's analyze this for a moment:
First of all, capitalization. Not the biggest deal, but Parshat should have the capital P. OK, moving on.
"We see our 'fore farther.'" Um...fore. farther. Fore is what you yell in golf when you're going to hit someone or something. Farther is more far. Maybe Yaakov is farther away from golf. Or maybe it's a typo and it's really fore father, so Yaakov was a really bad golfer. Or maybe it's four father, and I don't want to know what that is...though he did have four wives...
So apparently, our bad-golfer Yaakov Avinu is preparing for battle with his brother, Esuv. What's an Esuv? Maybe he meant Eisav. Or maybe he meant it like Ebay, so it would be E-SUV. Maybe Yaakov had a car for a brother. A real gas-guzzler at that. Well, we do know that Eisav was pretty famous for guzzling himself, so maybe it's an indirect reference or a metaphor or something.

Now, clearly I'm exaggerating, but this is seriously every Dvar Torah I get. People, this is not so complicated. We ask you to write an article, not an IM conversation. If I published this, I would get stoned by an angry rabble. Or rabbi.

Therefore, every week I take a full half-hour to hour for each article (depending on length and screwed-up-ness), with the result of less sleep and less time.

Welcome to every Wednesday night...

I'm noticing a pattern in the blog...

Maybe this is why Chasidim are banning the internet:

YaVYaSH: is it the seforno or just seforno?
Mon cappytan: i would say sforno
Mon cappytan: not seforno
Mon cappytan: and not the sforno
Mon cappytan: b/c even though technically it's seforno
Mon cappytan: everyone just says sforno
Mon cappytan: what about sphorno?
YaVYaSH: ew
Mon cappytan: haha that looks like a bad word
Mon cappytan: and that's how encyclopedia judaica would spell it
YaVYaSH: lol

He's not a freshman, but he almost is...

***The following conversation related to a Kol Torah article about Yom Kippur that I edited. (The quoted part pertains to the 5 prohibitions.) Viewer discretion is advised.***

Mon cappytan: so cute
Mon cappytan: instead of "having marital relations" he says:
Mon cappytan: sleeping in the same bed as your wife
YaVYaSH: wow
Mon cappytan: i think he might be more machmir than us

Editing is good...but only in small doses

Mon cappytan: isn't it sad how we effectively write half the articles in kol torah?
YaVYaSH: lol
YaVYaSH: so true
YaVYaSH: article writers are rly just researchers
Mon cappytan: lol
Mon cappytan: like how in half the articles we just write a conclusion to give it a point
Mon cappytan: and put in a pasuk
Mon cappytan: and add a reference to pirkei avos
Mon cappytan: and change all the formatting
Mon cappytan: and capitalize
Mon cappytan: and rewrite at least 6 sentences
Mon cappytan: and in the other half we do some real editing
YaVYaSH: right

I have the weirdest conversations...

Mon cappytan: whoa, when ur thing said kiss, mine kissed back
Mon cappytan: that's weird
Penny sjc: they love each other
Mon cappytan: awww
Mon cappytan: the dreidel and the hamster
Penny sjc: but yours is too frum for mine
Penny sjc: my hamster needs a black hat or something
Mon cappytan: no
Penny sjc: no
Mon cappytan: think about it
Mon cappytan: mine's androgynous and has no qualms about kissing
Mon cappytan: urs is a solidly high-pitched male
Penny sjc: he's cute
Mon cappytan: maybe he's cute
Mon cappytan: but he's not going to build a bayis ne'eman beyisrael
Mon cappytan: if u get my drift
Penny sjc: yes
Mon cappytan: maybe he'll go for shalom al yisrael
Penny sjc: your dreidel is too tzioni
Mon cappytan: ooh, ur just biased
Mon cappytan: well, even though it has no legs, it manages to lead a full life
Mon cappytan: let's see u try that
Penny sjc: i can't
Mon cappytan: i should hope not
Mon cappytan: anyway, at least my dreidel has a sense of jewish identity, ur hamster could just as easily be a goy!
Penny sjc: he is
Penny sjc: and he is not shomer
Mon cappytan: so ur trying to seduce my dreidel into a gay non-shomer relationship with ur hamster?
Penny sjc: thats right
Penny sjc: and your dreidel is into the kissing

[Editor's note: the hamster and the dreidel are superbuddy icons; when the hamster kisses, the dreidel kisses back]

Assumptions, assumptions

Well, for my first real post, it would probably make sense to quote something from the inspiration for my own blog:

Mon cappytan (11:51:21 PM): as an unbiased third party which i'll consider u for now, what do u think i should do with this situation: [note- the ":" means I hadn't actually said the problem yet]
Lubcha132 (11:51:34 PM): break up with her
Lubcha132 (11:51:37 PM): oh wait
Lubcha132 (11:51:38 PM): what is it

JW

Yeah, yeah, my first post. Happy 0th birthday to da blog. Testing, testing...